onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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