I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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