I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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