WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
