U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
