She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
