Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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