Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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