i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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