First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
