Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
