Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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