i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
