Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
