I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
