Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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