my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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