Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
