Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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