her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
