I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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