My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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