I faked an abortion last night.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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