then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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