My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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