It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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