Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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