Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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