I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
