Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
