pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
