remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
