I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
