It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
