Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
