Kiss
Puke
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
