I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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