I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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