Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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