I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
