Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
