I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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