I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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