I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
