i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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