There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
