I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
