so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
