I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
