he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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