Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
