I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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