You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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