I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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