She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
