So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
