maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
