Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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