Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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